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Socialite or Social Lite? – Part 4

Josh Squires — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 17:32:47 +0000

Once we had a plan for their social life together, we began talking about their social lives apart. This was a topic that John had been dying to get to and I knew it. His life was one of activity. Before he had gotten married not only did he go out with friends on a regular basis but he was also a part of a number or organized social activities. He was in recreational basketball league and softball league. During the appropriate seasons, he would go on weekend long hunting trips with family. Also, he was a part of a men’s group at church that frequently undertook charity obligations that required night and/or weekend work. After he had gotten married nearly all of this had been cut out. When I asked why this had all ceased, John stated that Jane had insisted upon it; a claim that Jane then fervently denied. As we worked together we were able to detect a pattern. It seemed that John would tell Jane about an obligation that he had with only a few hours notice. Jane would then get flustered because she had already made plans about the night (dinner, etc.). Further she would feel hurt because she thought that John’s decision to be elsewhere was a rejection of her. In turn, John would read Jane’s facial expressions and body language correctly interpreting her displeasure at his alternate plans. John, feeling guilty, would then cancel his plans but would be angry about the fact that he had had to do so. Jane then would feel both relieved because she had avoided the rejection and guilty because her desire for John to be home was causing him to be upset. Meanwhile the issue of the late notice was never addressed. Once we were able to map all of this out, we were able to begin to implement a different way of reacting. First, John recognized that he needed to give Jane sufficient notice of his plans so that she too could make arrangements and have accurate expectations for what her week would look like. Second, we worked on letting both partners have their emotions without the other feeling over-responsible for them. This was one of the more difficult tasks in our therapeutic relationship but one we had been working on for a while because of other issues that had come up. John had desired Jane to be happy for him when he was about to go do something that he enjoyed. He stated that it was “impossible” for him to be happy if it meant that Jane was unhappy. Via some very deliberate work John was able to see that Jane’s upset at not being with him was understandable. Plus he began to work on what it meant to care about Jane and take care of her in her upset without feeling compelled to alleviate her of her upset. For her part, Jane began to see that her feeling of rejection was her own trigger and not an accurate reflection of how John felt about her. This led to a very fruitful discussion for Jane where she began to elucidate for John and I her personal history of rejection. Lastly, we realigned the expectations for both John and Jane. John had to grieve the fact that he was no longer able to do as much as he was once able to when he was single. However, he did so in the light of a celebration over all that he had gained by marrying such a wonderful woman. Jane had to realize that for John to have truly meaningful social connections, it meant engaging in social activities more than once a quarter. However, she was able to do so in light of the celebration that her husband continued to prioritize her above everyone else (other than the Lord) just not to the exclusion of everyone else.

One last point here, Jane was an introvert. By introvert I mean that she was refreshed by being alone or by being around one or two very close family members. This didn’t mean that Jane didn’t like being around friends, it’s just that she found being around a large group of people draining. So though we had spent a considerable amount of time talking about what social lives looked like, for Jane the conversations often felt draining and overwhelming. John, for his part, had never stopped to consider that there were types of people that didn’t get energy by being around friends. He thought that Jane’s frequent hot baths with a book were a way that she pouted. The truth was that it was a way of taking care of herself when she felt emotionally drained, it was self ministry if you will. This was yet another part of the process that had gone so awry. John was trying to get Jane to go out with her friends as often as John was trying to go out with his. Of course he thought that this was taking care of her, but in actuality it was only making Jane more resistant to the idea of them spending time apart! Once John could accept that Jane could stay home and cuddle up with a book and that was every bit as refreshing to her as his going out with his friends, he was able to make plans without trying force something on Jane that she never wanted in the first place. As John went out with friends he was re-energized and as Jane was able to spend quality time alone, she was re-energized. The result was a pretty dramatic shift in the quality of the time spent together and the amount of energy they had for one another.

Next time John and Jane are acting different, join me in a couple weeks to find out why!

Tagged: Christian Counseling, Christian Couples, Expectations, Relationship Expectations, Religion, Social Life

Socialite or Social Lite? – Part 3

Josh Squires — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 17:52:08 +0000

It took Jane a couple of sessions while we worked on other topics but eventually, she stated at the end of a session that she had been thinking about it and she thought that having friends outside the marriage, as long as they were appropriate, would be okay. We celebrated together. It was a relief for John because he was an extrovert and had been dearly missing his friends. So once again we set about trying to define what it looked like to have a joint social life and individual social lives. Our first goal was an obvious one, what could they do together? We looked at a couple’s interest inventory and picked five things for the couple to try over the next three months. Three were items that both partners ranked highly and two were items that one person ranked highly and the other did not. It may seem silly to include these last two or even cruel like I didn’t care what the other person thought; however, what I was trying to do was allow them to experience what it was like to do something for each other and to get satisfaction out of knowing that you had made your partner happy. Again, this issue needs some clarity. I am not suggesting that you try and force your spouse to do something that have absolutely no interest in. I am suggesting that you try and do something that your spouse is intensely interested in but doesn’t seem to interest you. Also, I’m not suggesting that this be the only thing that you and your spouse do together. I believe that it’s an important aspect of becoming the type of spouse’s that God calls us to be but if the only things a couple does together are things that one enjoys and the other doesn’t, I think it can lead to a great deal of bitterness. Rather I am suggesting that this be a part of your joint social life, not its entirety, and that the person that brings it up be the one that self-sacrifices first.

Another issue that we discussed was trying to develop friendships with fellow married couples. Finding another family whom both spouses feel comfortable with and tend to enjoy the same type of activities can be difficult. Like most things finding a couple to be friends with is something that usually takes time which leaves young married couples (especially if they are the first in their group of friends to get married) in a sort of social vacuum. Further the number of places to find friends tends to dwindle as you grow older and by the time you are an adult it is usually pretty limited. What this means is that finding another couple to be friends with becomes much more of a deliberate process than finding a friend as an individual. It means inviting couples over for dinner or out to a movie and seeing if everyone gets along. Also you are dealing with four personality sets not just two which means the failure rate is much higher. This can be a thorny problem if you are sensitive to signs of rejection as was the case with Jane. In the end we came up with a strategy for meeting other couples in places such as: church, work, and some of the social activities they had decided to try. Both John and Jane agreed to try to invite one couple over a month until they found a couple they both enjoyed. Lastly, both John and Jane reserved the right to say “no” to any friendship they didn’t want. There was one caveat through this process that I think bears mentioning here: be careful of how much of an emotional investment you put into another couple’s relationship. The likelihood that that relationship will last is only about 50%. If that relationship begins to disintegrate it can easily put you and your spouse on opposite sides of an intense conflict. I’m not telling you to pull out on a friend in need but rather to be thoughtful of boundaries you put in place that protect your relationship should something happen to theirs.

Next we discuss what it looks like to have a social life apart from your spouse!

Tagged: Christian Counseling, Christian Couples, Expectations, Friends, Love, Relationship Expectations, Social Life

Socialite or Social Lite? – Part 2

Josh Squires — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 20:04:58 +0000

We continue the story of John and Jane as they struggle to define for themselves what it means to have a social life in the context of being married.

The next two sessions of therapy were spent convincing Jane that having a social life outside the marriage was acceptable. It seems that Jane had thought that really all a social life was intended for was meeting a spouse. This meant that she didn’t understand the necessity of a social life once a person was married. Also it meant that every time John expressed a desire for a social life Jane was interpreting it to mean that he wanted to go out looking for someone to replace her. John’s need equated into Jane’s failure and that is a bad place to be. I helped Jane to see that though she was both John’s friend and his spouse, she could not be ALL of his friends and his spouse. I showed Jane that there were four general categories of resources for a person: personal, familial, social and spiritual. Additionally, I explained that each of these categories is like a leg on a stool and the more legs you have, the more stress you are able to carry. Lastly, I demonstrated that via their marriage she had gone from being largely considered a social resource to becoming a familial resource which meant that if she wanted John to have the best chance at continuing to be happy and functioning when they were going through stressful situations, he needed to be able to have a social life of some sort. Once Jane stated that she could sign-up for having a social life, we turned our attention to what that looked like.

We broke down their social life into two key components: joint social life and individual social lives. As you might be able to imagine, Jane was none too happy about the idea of having individual social lives. Now, some of that was the fault of John and the fact that his friends were engaging in behaviors that were unacceptable for a married man. But even after John stopped engaging in those behaviors, the idea of John having time with “the boys” seemed to be unacceptable to Jane. Again we went back to the idea of legs on a stool. I showed her that she was his primary familial support. Then I showed her that the way she wanted it, she wanted to be his primary social support as well. Which meant that if anything ever happened to her (accident, illness, etc.) or when the two got into a fight, it left him with only two legs. A two legged stool can’t stand! Again, let’s be clear here. I’m not condoning going out with guys bar hopping. Nor am I saying that every time he got into a fight with Jane, that John should call a friend and complain about it. Absolutely not! Gossip can kill marriages! However, if you get into a fight, it can be a life saver to have a friend that you can go catch a movie with or play a game basketball with or any number of activities that can help you calm down and give you the strength you need to continue communicating in the midst of a difficult topic. And if you can find a friend that can help you to be self-focused and help you to find what it is that you are doing to create tension in the marriage, then the Lord has truly blessed you. My point for Jane was that having that social support outside the marriage was not a deficit but rather was an asset that would help the quality of her time with John be better which in turn would help her experience of their marriage to be better.

Does Jane believe me? Find out when I post next time!

Tagged: Christian Counseling, Christian Couples, emotion, Expectations, Love, Relationship Expectations, Social Life, Social Support, Valuing

Immersion and Recovery

Mike Hillerman — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 17:40:34 +0000

In my last series on conflict I described three things that often happen in our brain when we are in conflict with someone: our emotions happen before our thoughts; our past experience influences how we react; and crucial parts of our brain shut down. When conflict ensues, our brain shifts from its normal way of operating into what Dr. Daniel Siegel calls “The Low Road,” that state of mind that is optimized to deal with a perceived threat. Dr. Siegel is a Harvard M.D. and a currently studies the brain at the UCLA School of Medicine. He says that when our brain shifts to the “Low Road” instead of taking the “High Road” through the higher order brain functions, our brain shuts down our executive functioning and shifts into a more reactive and defensive mode. This “Low Road” state of mind has four distinct phases: Trigger, Transition, Immersion, and Recovery. Understanding these phases may help you realize what is happening in these situations and give you greater ability to react in a more measured way.

The Trigger

The first phase of the Low Road is the trigger. Something happens around us that initiates the activation of a new state of mind. Often, what happens is something familiar to us. That is, it is something we have experienced in the past that has led to an intensely negative experience. Sometimes it is a particular facial expression of the person we are communicating with. Perhaps a certain look in the eyes, or sneer on the lips of the other person is all it takes to trigger the Low Road. The vocal tones of our opponent are another trigger source. Vocal tones that communicate disdain, disrespect, mockery, or disapproval can often act as a trigger. Other sounds can also trigger a Low Road state such as the crying of a baby, the sound of slamming doors or other objects, and even certain guttural sounds. For some people, specific body language can act as the trigger. It might be a particular gesture of the hands, or a folding of the arms that trigger’s the shift to the Low Road.

Transition

Transition is that feeling of being on the edge when we know that we are about to “lose our cool.” Once the defensive parts of our brain have been triggered, we typically have a short transition period where we are able to evaluate whether our circumstances are truly threatening, or if we misread the situation and can relax. I often use the example of taking a walk at the end of the day on a path in the forest. Imagine taking such a walk when the light is soft and dim, and you are enjoying the quiet rustling of the wind in the trees. Suddenly you notice out of the corner of your eye a long, dark, skinny object that is shaped like a snake just to the right of your feet. The sight of the “snake” is the trigger, followed by a few moments where you quickly look more closely to see if it really is a snake. If it turns out to be just a stick next to the path, then you have a quiet laugh and begin to relax. However, if it actually is a snake your brain fully shifts into survival mode. The period of evaluation is the transition phase.

During this phase, you may notice that you are holding your breath. During the transition phase our brain is rapidly readying our bodies for fight or flight so our muscles can tense up and stay tense and our heart may beat fast and hard. During verbal conflict, once our defenses are triggered, we may begin to perseverate on the triggering circumstances. This is the scenario where we replay the triggering circumstances over and over in our minds until we become fully immersed in the Low Road. This phase does not last long, and for some it can be almost instantaneous.

Immersion

Once we have been triggered and transition fully, we become immersed in a Low Road state of mind. Immersion can be filled with intense negative emotions. There is often a sense of “here we go again”, “it’s never going to change”, or “they always do this.” Once we are immersed, we tend interpret what we see and hear through a filter that assumes the worst of the person we are in conflict with. In a sense, our brains have already determined the person we are in conflict with is a threat and therefore not to be trusted. Once we are in this state it is very difficult, if not impossible for some, to carefully and thoughtfully resolve the conflict. Instead, we are often careless and thoughtless with our words and actions.

Recovery

When the conflict is over, recover is the reactivation of the High Road. We gain back our higher order brain functions and begin to see things differently. We literally get our whole brain back. It is at this time that we often experience feelings of regret or embarrassment for words and actions spoken while we were immersed in the Low Road. It is also a time when we are more likely to be self-reflective and repent of our own sins in the conflict. One key point to note is that we are vulnerable to reentering the Low Road immediately following a conflict. For most people, it takes at least 20 minutes to fully recover and no longer be more vulnerable to reentering the Low Road. For some people, it may take much longer, sometimes days rather than hours.

Getting to “Recovery”

Once we understand the phases of the Low Road, the next step is to understand what to do when we sense that we are in the transition phase or fully immersed in the Low Road. In both cases, the best course of action is to stop interacting with the person you are having the conflict with. This can be difficult to do because we sometimes have a strong desire to resolve the matter, or to finish making our point. This desire to “push through” the conflict often drives us into “immersion”, and once we are immersed in the Low Road the situation will almost always get worse rather than better. We typically either escalate the conflict or try to escape it. Constructive discussion becomes nearly impossible because the part of our brain that is responsible for evaluating options and thoughtful decision making is impaired.

Time Out

If we can accept that we will likely only make things worse in the Low Road, then it is easier to decide to temporarily stop our interaction with the person we are in conflict with. One simple way to do this is to call a “Time Out” to give both of you time to settle and get back into your “right mind.” When possible it is a good idea to discuss calling a time out with the other person beforehand rather than trying to explain it in the heat of the moment. Often, couples will agree on some kind of signal that both agree to respect. This could be something like a particular phrase or a hand signal. When you call a time out, take responsibility for what you are doing, and avoid saying something like, “I think YOU need a time out right now.” Instead, it is wise to say “I’m feeling pretty worked up right now and need some time to settle myself down before we continue this discussion.”

When you call a time out, it is also important to let you partner know that you are not trying to avoid the discussion. The other person can sometimes mistakenly think that you are going to ignore them or “blow off” their concerns. This can also be mitigated by letting the other person know when you will reinitiate the discussion. Pick a concrete time and place when you will discuss the issue again. Be sure to follow through on this commitment so that your partner learns that these breaks actually lead to resolution rather than avoidance. Remember, research tells us that it takes a minimum of 20 minutes to recover from immersion in the Low Road, and that we are more susceptible to reentering the Low Road in the time immediately following recovery.

During the break it is good to find something to do to help yourself calm down. One thing that won’t be helpful is sitting still and ruminating about the conflict and the offenses you have suffered. Instead, here are some alternative ideas that can have a calming effect:

Move your body: stretch, walk, or exercise.
Take a bath
Listen to music
Call a friend
Watch something light and funny
Go for a drive (careful)
Write in a journal
Go to the movies
Get out into nature
Play with a pet
Play a favorite game
Do something nice for someone else
Read a good book

Remember that you are vulnerable to slipping back if you are not fully calmed down. Once you think you have you full brain back, reengage in the conversation. My next post will discuss some ways of approaching the person ideas that can improve the likelihood of a satisfying outcome.

Tagged: Conflict, Immersion, low road, Recovery, Time Out

Socialite or Social Lite? – Part 1

Josh Squires — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 20:30:32 +0000

Back to the ongoing series that I’m now calling “Is this normal?” which looks to define the normal set of ups and downs that couples face from the time they meet until they are elderly. Our next topic is one that often receives little attention, yet deserves deliberate consideration. I think this issue is best illustrated using a couple that I saw when I was still a student therapist. So over the next few weeks, enjoy reading a brief case study into John and Jane Doe.

“He’s sitting right next to me but it’s like he’s in another world,” my client said exasperated.

“Because that’s the only way I’m allowed to be by myself!” Her husband retorted angrily.

Both parties crossed their arms over their chest and turned their bodies away from each other. The silence was deafening as they both waited for the other to be the first to apologize. Of course that apology never came and the rest of the session was spent in futility as I tried to get each to listen to their partner’s concern. Yet in the midst of this painful session was a common issue for recently wed couples, how do they spend their time off. You see, Jane wanted to spend every waking moment together when not otherwise required to be somewhere else (i.e. – work). Whereas John generally enjoyed his time with Jane but needed time by himself and with his friends. To make matters worse, John was the first of his group of friends to tie the knot which meant that his friends continued to engage in the same activities as they did before John got married which were not the sort of things one usually associates with someone who is married and has a family. Further complicating the situation was that save for the mutually intense attraction for one another, they really didn’t have that much in common. She liked to read, he thought books were boring. He loved sports, she thought they were brutish. She liked romantic comedies, he liked action flicks. She loved gourmet food, he wanted meat and potatoes. And on and on it went. The happy neurotransmitters that went along with infatuation were gone and they were left standing there wondering how they were going to live the next fifty years of their lives with each other.

At the end of the session Jane looked at me and said, “We’re hopeless, aren’t we?”

“Nope,” I replied, “You’re just normal… painfully normal.” They both laughed and began to feel better.

Next time we will begin to dive into what it means to have a social life as married couple and whether or not it is okay to have a social life apart from your spouse!

Tagged: Anger, brain, Christian Counseling, emotion, Expectations, Love, Neurobiology, Relationship Expectations, Social Life, Valuing

When Bullies Attack

Josh Squires — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 18:01:58 +0000

With the beginning of another school year parent’s and helping professionals face a myriad of challenges with school children. These issues run the gambit from helping a shy child learn to be more outgoing to helping a child who cuts themselves have a healthy alternative for managing their emotions. Yet none of these issues are as likely to elicit such strong emotions as the issue of bullying, both from the victim and the helper. Adults often have feelings of anger, hurt, helplessness and confusion while the victim can feel fear, shame, anger and guilt. It can be difficult, and for some even impossible, to cut through the intensity of those emotions in order to make wise decisions about how to help the child being bullied. Add to that the fact that there exists such a wide array of opinions of what to do to help children in this position (from ignoring the bully to punching his lights out) that often times as helpers we find ourselves paralyzed. And paralysis in this situation will likely result in the continued victimization of the child which is not okay. What then should we do? Well I’m not going to claim to have all the answers; after all, each child is different and each situation has its own complexities. However, I do think what you will find in this article is a very good structure for being able to get control of the situation and control, especially for the victim, is a big step in the right direction. One last caveat, there are no options in this situation that will satisfy completely. Being bullied is a tragic thing that haunts some people well into their adult life. No matter if you choose to stand up, run away, or take a more measured approach, there’s no solution that fixes it all. I would that there were but there isn’t.

So, where do we begin? It seems the first place to start in this circumstance is yourself. As I stated earlier having a kid in your presence who is being bullied can elicit some strong responses not the least of which is a sense of injustice. If you feel that sense of injustice it’s not necessarily a bad thing; however, you want to be careful about how intense it is for you. I know due to my own experiences that would be one of the first strong reactions I would have and I would want not only the bullying to stop but for the kid(s) who were bullying to be punished. I would want them to experience the same amount of hurt, fear and embarrassment as the kid that had been their victim. But if I’m allowed to calm down and recollect myself I realize that this is virtually impossible. There’s no good way to measure the amount of pain inflicted upon one person and mete out the same amount to another. Further (and most importantly) we are not called to an “eye for an eye” stance of justice as Christians. Instead we are called to forgive and even to turn the other cheek. Keep in mind this does not mean that the bully should get off without some form of punishment, it just means that I am not taking it upon myself to make sure that he has “learned his lesson.” My goal then should not be about retribution but instead about getting the bullying to stop and to make it a safe environment for all kids to be themselves. Recognizing that, my goal is to move past my initial emotions of anger, hurt, helplessness and confusion and to become both an empathic listener and a positive adult resource for the child in front of me.

However, I would be remiss if I didn’t briefly hit on another emotional response that some people have when they meet a victim of bullying – apathy. This can happen for a number of different reasons but two seem to be the most common. First is your own history. If you’ve ever been the victim of bullying, been a bully yourself or even laughed a child who was being bullied, then some part of you may be closing off your ability to identify with the child. This defense mechanism is in effect because there is a part of you that doesn’t want you to re-experience the hurt, guilt, confusion, etc. that came along with that experience. If you think that this might pertain to you, then I would suggest talking to a close friend, a mentor, a mental health professional, or writing about it in a journal. The second reason some people feel apathy toward the person being bullied is because you also find the victim irritating or unappealing for some reason. In this sense then you more closely empathize (or sympathize as the case may be) with the bully. Regardless of its cause, if you notice yourself having a non-reaction to a child who is being bullied and cannot seem to empathize with the victim then it is time to do some internal investigation and find out what is going on.

Now that we are done looking at ourselves, it’s time to move to becoming an advocate for the child. In this role our goals are:

To create a safe environment for the victim to feel heard
To get the bullying to stop
To help the victim keep from being bullied in the future.

There are a couple of strategies that you can employ to help create a safe environment for the victim. Make sure not to blame the victim. Often times parents and professionals start trying to investigate the matter and assume that there is something that victim can do to keep the bully from picking on them. More than likely if this was the case, the child would’ve already implemented such a solution. Further, most kids don’t report bullying. They are afraid of repercussions from the bully, they are ashamed of the fact that they are being bullied, and they don’t want to be perceived as a “taddle tell”. So not only should you not blame them, you should in fact praise them for having the courage to come forward and seek adult counsel on such a difficult issue. Also, don’t tell the child to “just ignore it.” Though this advice may have some practical application in future episodes of potential bullying, if they’ve already been identified as a target then ignoring usually has little effect. Plus, kids rather than hearing “don’t make it such a big deal” hear “it’s not a big deal to me” and the last thing you want is for the kid to think that their safety is not a concern to you. Next, clarify for your child the difference between getting resources to solve a problem and “taddling”. In the former you are enlisting those that have the ability to solve a situation (similar to calling the cops when a crime has been committed) and the later is informing someone of a problem when the problem has already been solved. The child should know that most bullying CAN NOT be solved without the help of adults. Thus the child should feel proud that they used the correct resources in the midst of pressure to take matters into their own hands. Lastly, don’t encourage your child to use physical violence as a response. This is difficult (especially for males, I think) but the truth of the matter is that a number of schools have adopted a zero tolerance policy for physical violence in the school and it is often not the person who initiated the fight that gets caught but rather the person who retaliates. The last thing you want is for your kid to be a victim of bullying and be expelled.

The next thing we want to do is to get the current bullying to stop. In order to do this you are going to need to enroll the help of adults that have the power to enforce consequences on the child who is being the bully. Most likely this includes school administrators and teachers. The problem that most parents have when they decide to discuss this with the school officials is that they are overly emotional. All of those emotions that we discussed at the beginning of this article are driving their behavior rather than informing their behavior. Parents often yell, place blame and demand instantaneous results. Though understandable, this sort of emotional lashing out usually has the effect that it puts the school officials on the defensive. Now those who are supposed to be your allies in defeating the bullying feel like your enemies. In order to be most effective for the victim, you want to minimize the intensity of your emotions and be more fact driven. To this end, you will need to help the victim give concrete information about when, where, who perpetrated, who witnessed and exactly what was done. This type of information in conjunction with knowledge of your schools anti-bullying policies can go a long way in helping to stop the bullying. Keep in mind though that bullies are often smart and perpetrate their attacks at times when adults are otherwise engaged. Furthermore, kids that witnessed the bullying maybe afraid to step forward for fear of becoming the target themselves. What this means is that it may take a time or two of documenting, along with the schools own internal investigation process, before results are seen. However, just having the bully know that school administrators are watching and investigating can help to curb the bullying behavior. Another thing that parents often fail to do is to check in with school about their investigation of the incident. Remember that school administrators are often overwhelmed with both academic and behavioral issues. Therefore, it is your job as the child’s advocate to make sure that investigation is done thoroughly. Again remember that you are trying to work with the school not against them, offer any resources that you may have to help make sure the investigation is done thoroughly. One thing that parents often do which is counter-productive is to call the parents of the bullying child. Rarely do these interactions go well or yield results that stop the bullying. Allow those that the parents have placed in a role of authority (such as the school personnel) to be the ones to handle the notification. The parents are usually more receptive (even if only a little), the message is less emotionally charged, and they have the ability to enforce consequences for continued unacceptable behavior.

The last step in our “treatment plan,” if you will, is to help the child analyze how they became a target for bullying and how they can avoid being the target of bullies in the future. Please note that this is the last step in the process and only comes after the child feels safe both with you and in the environment where they were once being bullied. Help the child to explore possible reasons that they became the target of bullying. It could be that the child possesses some habit that other children find irritating or that the child lacks some amount of social skills. If this is true, be honest with the child. Knowing that there is something that they can improve upon in order to prevent future occurrences of bullying may be difficult for them to hear at first but later it is something that is often empowering. Yet, sometimes there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason for why a child becomes the victim of a bully (this is usually the exception and not the rule.) Still there are other reasons that may not be able to be helped by the victim such as physical illness, deformity, mental handicap, etc. In these cases it may be hard to help the child find ways that they could’ve handled the situation differently. No matter the cause there are two fundamental things that advocates can help with that will lessen the child’s probability of being a victim of sustained bullying. First, help the child with how they respond when picked upon. Often times bullies feed off of a particular emotional reaction such as fear, anger or hurt. Teaching your child how to let comments “bounce off” of them may not prevent a bully from picking on them once but it may prevent the bully from picking on them any further. The other thing that you can do is to help them find a new environment where they can meet other kids more like themselves. The most common thing to do here is to find an extracurricular activity they enjoy (a sport, band, art, theater, etc.) and support their involvement. This accomplishes two separate goals. First, it helps the kid to be build confidence in himself. Kids that walk with confidence are less likely to be picked on. Second, it helps the child to build a network of friends. Children with friends are less likely to be picked than those who are socially isolated.

In sum then, our goals when dealing with a child who has been bulled are these. Foremost, control your own emotions. Don’t allow your own reactions to cause the victim to continue suffering. Next allow the victim to talk about what they’ve been through and empathize with them. Remember to build them up for being brave enough to seek help. Then enroll the proper adults to get the bullying to stop. Try to stay away from accusations and stay with the facts as you know them. Lastly, help the child to lessen the likelihood that they will be bullied again in the future. Help them to evaluate themselves and to find a place where they can win. I know it may seem like a lot and it may not be as satisfying as enrolling the kid in martial arts and having them beat up their attacker; but this plan is the one most likely to get long term results. Plus, it models for the child how to manage their emotions, how to seek out resources, how to work with them to effect a change, and how to analyze a problem to keep from happening again in the future. If you can model all of that for your child then maybe you salvage something out of a deplorable situation.

You or your child ever been the victim of a bully? Ever bullied someone yourself? I’d love to hear from you! Leave a comment or e-mail me at josh@ccsninc.com

-Josh

Tagged: Anger, Bullying, Children, Conflict, Coping, emotion, Parenthood

To three or not to three – Part 3

Josh Squires — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 17:28:42 +0000

In the previous post I began to explain why I believe that couples should wait twelve to eighteen months after their wedding to begin trying to get pregnant. And I ended by explaining that it was best to wait until the infatuation hormones and brain processes have worn off but there is a second piece that I didn’t get to. You see it seems that the infatuation high starts to come back when you have a child, not for one another mind you but for the baby. For a woman it generally comes back during pregnancy as she attaches to the life that is growing inside her. There are hormones that help this process but the fact that something is growing inside and that she is responsible for it usually effects a strong attachment (if not, don’t worry too much but you may want to discuss it with someone). For men it tends to begin to happen between nine and twelve months when the child finally reaches the age that they can interact with their environment. Why am I mentioning this? Because if you are starting to suffer from the infatuation let down and haven’t worked through it, then you can find yourself drawn to your child as a way of boosting that feeling again. This can create a sort of “over closeness” between you and the child that is aided by neurochemistry. This closeness has been traditionally labeled “enmeshment” by systems therapists and is one of the signs of an unhealthy family. Enmeshment often results in an increase in distance between you and your spouse. This makes sense because as you find yourself getting your value and intimacy needs met from your child you no longer need to get it from your spouse. If you notice this pattern beginning to form inside of your family, then it’s a good sign that you need to look to implement some better relational boundaries. Once we move onto the subject of having children we will address this issue more in-depth but for now just understand that those that have children immediately after marriage are more likely to fall into this sort of relational trap than couples who’ve had time to make through the post-infatuation crash and continue to be emotionally intimate with one another. Couples who have children too soon increase the risk of living vicariously through their children and finding themselves living with a stranger once the children leave the home.

Again, please understand where I’m coming from here. I’m not saying that if you get pregnant on your honeymoon that your marriage is doomed to failure and you are going to be overly close with your children. I’ve known some wonderful families that had children conceived on their honeymoon; however, you increase the risk of ending up in an unsatisfactory marriage if you do. On the opposite side, just because you wait a year and half or longer to have kids doesn’t mean that your marriage is bulletproof. The object here, as always, is to increase the likelihood that your marriage will be one that is mutually satisfying across its lifespan.

Have children? Want to share your side of the story? I’d love to hear it! Contact me at josh@ccsninc.com or leave a comment here.

-Josh

Tagged: brain, Children, Christian Counseling, Christian Couples, Infatuation, judgement, Neurobiology, Parenthood, Planning, Relationship Expectations, Valuing

To three or not to three – Part 2

Josh Squires — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 14:04:17 +0000

In part 1 of this series, I began to make the argument that one should be very deliberate about when they become a parent. However, that doesn’t answer the question as to how long after marriage a couple should wait to begin having children. When my clients ask me this question my rule of thumb is twelve to eighteen months. This response comes from a combination of experience and training. My wife and I had five years together before we had our first child. Now understand that this was not planned. We struggled to become pregnant and went through quite a bit of treatment before we were finally able to conceive. Still and yet, I could not imagine the stress that my wife and I face now as parents being intermingled with the stress of becoming acclimated to becoming a spouse. There’s the point that most don’t fully realize, which is that it takes time and energy to become a good spouse you don’t just become one because you said “I do.” When you first get married and live together you have to learn how to live with another human being. A human being that you’ve entered into a covenant with to be their intimate partner. What does that even mean? You’ve got to figure that out. How do you pay bills together? How do get angry with each other especially when you share the same bed? How do you initiate conflict? What are the little pet peeves that each other has about living with someone else? How do you split up job roles and duties? How do you handle day-to-day finances? How do handle old friendships? How do you cultivate new ones? How do keep energy for one another? What do you do the first time you find yourself attracted to someone else? (That last question is a particularly nasty one that a supervisor of mine taught me and will be the topic of a blog at a later time.)

All of those questions need to be answered and they will be answered through the course of your relationship. The problem is that if there is a baby involved then your ability to give the question the time and energy it deserves is diminished. Children, like all relationships, take time and energy. So if you are splitting those resources among multiple relationships then the amount you have to dedicate to any one relationship in particular necessarily diminishes. Nerves are often frayed because of the lack of sleep and conflict is often more intense than it otherwise would’ve been. Now imagine going through your first intense argument while you are sleep deprived and an infant lies in the next room. It’s a recipe for disaster. Instead, if you wait twelve to eighteen months then what tends to happen is that all those residual “infatuation high” feelings go away. This leaves you with adequate amounts of time and energy to work through these crucial questions without the hormones (either infatuation or pregnancy) to cloud the issue. When done properly you and your spouse have an increased ability to find solutions that are genuinely workable and that will keep all parties satisfied.

To be concluded…

Tagged: Christian Counseling, Christian Couples, Parenthood, Planning, Relationship Expectations

To three or not to three – Part 1

Josh Squires — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 20:32:44 +0000

So you’re home from the honeymoon. You decide to have family members over to show off the photos and to relive the incredible experience you’ve just gotten back from (or relive the horror story because you need to vent!) Everyone listens courteously and some more intently than others but for the most part it’s a nice gathering. Then someone asks the question, “So, when you going to have kids?” You and your spouse exchange awkward glances at one another. You realize that though you both have a general idea, you haven’t exactly laid out the specifics. Maybe the answer is something like “We aren’t trying but were not trying not to either.” This is a sort of “let the chips fall where they may” attitude that has somehow become both pervasive and widely acceptable in our culture. If this is you, or if you think this could be you, then you need to read this blog.

You see, not having a plan for parenthood can be detrimental to your marriage. Let me write that again for added emphasis. It can be detrimental to your marriage if you don’t have a specific plan for when to become a parent. Don’t believe me? Go back and look at that chart of marital satisfaction again and see where things begin to drop off. It’s when you have kids. Not because it’s bad to have kids but because the stress in your life changes exponentially. Further you lose flexibility in your life. And let’s not even get into the financial considerations! Now these things don’t have to be bad and in fact I think having children is one of the most rewarding jobs a person can have (in fact multiple studies have shown that those that have children generally have more satisfying lives over the long term) but it is something to be entered into very, very seriously with thought, prayer and wise counsel.

Now I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the fact that there are some very, and I mean VERY, good brothers and sisters in Christ that don’t believe in birth control. They don’t believe in contraceptive devices nor do they believe in trying to avoid sexual intercourse when a woman is ovulating. They believe that this is man trying to take control from God and is sinful. It is not my intent to evaluate the credibility of these arguments in this article. I respectfully (and I mean that sincerely) disagree with my brothers and sisters here. The remainder of this article assumes that you are morally ok with the idea of pregnancy prevention methods that occur before conception.

To be continued…

Tagged: Anxiety, Children, Christian Counseling, Christian Couples, Parenthood, Planning

Honeymoon – Holiday or Horror? – Part 5

Josh Squires — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 18:19:36 +0000

We’ve looked at pros and cons of a modern honeymoon as well as common mistakes people make that can ruin their honeymoon experience, well I’ve got one last piece before I move on. Most couples who come to me in crisis tell me that they knew very early on that the marriage wasn’t going to work. Often times they are able to point to the honeymoon and pick out some key moment where they had the thought “Maybe I made a mistake.” I have no doubt that they are telling the truth and for them this moment has significant meaning because given the current amount of stress in their marriage it appears to have been the more insightful part of them. However, I bet that if you went back and could record every thought that occurred during their honeymoon there would be at least one that went something like “This (being married) is pretty cool.” Why am I pointing this out?

I guess because I don’t want people to get overly upset if they begin to have doubts while on their honeymoon. I imagine that most people have doubts at some point on their honeymoon and that it makes sense that some part of you is nervous that you’ve made a mistake that could have some pretty nasty repercussions. Now that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t listen to yourself if you are having reservations, after all you could’ve genuinely made an error in judgment, it’s just that if you find yourself worrying about it, I don’t think it should be the sort of thing that ruins the entire honeymoon. Rather than expecting there to be no misgivings whatsoever, allow yourself to weigh how often you are feeling anxious about whether you made the right decision versus how often you find yourself truly enjoying being married. I think expecting both joy and doubt to occur during the honeymoon is more accurate and more likely to result in an overall enjoyable experience.

Next stop, living under one roof, some of the common problems couples have adjusting to everyday life in the same household.

Have a honeymoon experience you’d like to share? I’d love to hear it!

-Josh Squires

Tagged: Anxiety, Christian Counseling, Christian Couples, emotion, Honeymoon, Love, Relationship Expectations