It took Jane a couple of sessions while we worked on other topics but eventually, she stated at the end of a session that she had been thinking about it and she thought that having friends outside the marriage, as long as they were appropriate, would be okay. We celebrated together. It was a relief for John because he was an extrovert and had been dearly missing his friends. So once again we set about trying to define what it looked like to have a joint social life and individual social lives. Our first goal was an obvious one, what could they do together? We looked at a couple’s interest inventory and picked five things for the couple to try over the next three months. Three were items that both partners ranked highly and two were items that one person ranked highly and the other did not. It may seem silly to include these last two or even cruel like I didn’t care what the other person thought; however, what I was trying to do was allow them to experience what it was like to do something for each other and to get satisfaction out of knowing that you had made your partner happy. Again, this issue needs some clarity. I am not suggesting that you try and force your spouse to do something that have absolutely no interest in. I am suggesting that you try and do something that your spouse is intensely interested in but doesn’t seem to interest you. Also, I’m not suggesting that this be the only thing that you and your spouse do together. I believe that it’s an important aspect of becoming the type of spouse’s that God calls us to be but if the only things a couple does together are things that one enjoys and the other doesn’t, I think it can lead to a great deal of bitterness. Rather I am suggesting that this be a part of your joint social life, not its entirety, and that the person that brings it up be the one that self-sacrifices first.
Another issue that we discussed was trying to develop friendships with fellow married couples. Finding another family whom both spouses feel comfortable with and tend to enjoy the same type of activities can be difficult. Like most things finding a couple to be friends with is something that usually takes time which leaves young married couples (especially if they are the first in their group of friends to get married) in a sort of social vacuum. Further the number of places to find friends tends to dwindle as you grow older and by the time you are an adult it is usually pretty limited. What this means is that finding another couple to be friends with becomes much more of a deliberate process than finding a friend as an individual. It means inviting couples over for dinner or out to a movie and seeing if everyone gets along. Also you are dealing with four personality sets not just two which means the failure rate is much higher. This can be a thorny problem if you are sensitive to signs of rejection as was the case with Jane. In the end we came up with a strategy for meeting other couples in places such as: church, work, and some of the social activities they had decided to try. Both John and Jane agreed to try to invite one couple over a month until they found a couple they both enjoyed. Lastly, both John and Jane reserved the right to say “no” to any friendship they didn’t want. There was one caveat through this process that I think bears mentioning here: be careful of how much of an emotional investment you put into another couple’s relationship. The likelihood that that relationship will last is only about 50%. If that relationship begins to disintegrate it can easily put you and your spouse on opposite sides of an intense conflict. I’m not telling you to pull out on a friend in need but rather to be thoughtful of boundaries you put in place that protect your relationship should something happen to theirs.
Next we discuss what it looks like to have a social life apart from your spouse!
