Back to the ongoing series that I’m now calling “Is this normal?” which looks to define the normal set of ups and downs that couples face from the time they meet until they are elderly. Our next topic is one that often receives little attention, yet deserves deliberate consideration. I think this issue is best illustrated using a couple that I saw when I was still a student therapist. So over the next few weeks, enjoy reading a brief case study into John and Jane Doe.
“He’s sitting right next to me but it’s like he’s in another world,” my client said exasperated.
“Because that’s the only way I’m allowed to be by myself!” Her husband retorted angrily.
Both parties crossed their arms over their chest and turned their bodies away from each other. The silence was deafening as they both waited for the other to be the first to apologize. Of course that apology never came and the rest of the session was spent in futility as I tried to get each to listen to their partner’s concern. Yet in the midst of this painful session was a common issue for recently wed couples, how do they spend their time off. You see, Jane wanted to spend every waking moment together when not otherwise required to be somewhere else (i.e. – work). Whereas John generally enjoyed his time with Jane but needed time by himself and with his friends. To make matters worse, John was the first of his group of friends to tie the knot which meant that his friends continued to engage in the same activities as they did before John got married which were not the sort of things one usually associates with someone who is married and has a family. Further complicating the situation was that save for the mutually intense attraction for one another, they really didn’t have that much in common. She liked to read, he thought books were boring. He loved sports, she thought they were brutish. She liked romantic comedies, he liked action flicks. She loved gourmet food, he wanted meat and potatoes. And on and on it went. The happy neurotransmitters that went along with infatuation were gone and they were left standing there wondering how they were going to live the next fifty years of their lives with each other.
At the end of the session Jane looked at me and said, “We’re hopeless, aren’t we?”
“Nope,” I replied, “You’re just normal… painfully normal.” They both laughed and began to feel better.
Next time we will begin to dive into what it means to have a social life as married couple and whether or not it is okay to have a social life apart from your spouse!
