Socialite or Social Lite? – Part 4

Once we had a plan for their social life together, we began talking about their social lives apart. This was a topic that John had been dying to get to and I knew it. His life was one of activity. Before he had gotten married not only did he go out with friends on a regular basis but he was also a part of a number or organized social activities. He was in recreational basketball league and softball league. During the appropriate seasons, he would go on weekend long hunting trips with family. Also, he was a part of a men’s group at church that frequently undertook charity obligations that required night and/or weekend work. After he had gotten married nearly all of this had been cut out. When I asked why this had all ceased, John stated that Jane had insisted upon it; a claim that Jane then fervently denied. As we worked together we were able to detect a pattern.

 

Socialite or Social Lite? – Part 3

It took Jane a couple of sessions while we worked on other topics but eventually, she stated at the end of a session that she had been thinking about it and she thought that having friends outside the marriage, as long as they were appropriate, would be okay. We celebrated together. It was a relief for John because he was an extrovert and had been dearly missing his friends. So once again we set about trying to define what it looked like to have a joint social life and individual social lives. Our first goal was an obvious one, what could they do together?

 

Socialite or Social Lite? – Part 2

We continue the story of John and Jane as they struggle to define for themselves what it means to have a social life in the context of being married.

The next two sessions of therapy were spent convincing Jane that having a social life outside the marriage was acceptable. It seems that Jane had thought that really all a social life was intended for was meeting a spouse. This meant that she didn’t understand the necessity of a social life once a person was married. Also it meant that every time John expressed a desire for a social life Jane was interpreting it to mean that he wanted to go out looking for someone to replace her. John’s need equated into Jane’s failure and that is a bad place to be.

 

Immersion and Recovery

In my last series on conflict I described three things that often happen in our brain when we are in conflict with someone: our emotions happen before our thoughts; our past experience influences how we react; and crucial parts of our brain shut down. When conflict ensues, our brain shifts from its normal way of operating into what Dr. Daniel Siegel calls “The Low Road,” that state of mind that is optimized to deal with a perceived threat. Dr. Siegel is a Harvard M.D. and a currently studies the brain at the UCLA School of Medicine. He says that when our brain shifts to the “Low Road” instead of taking the “High Road” through the higher order brain functions, our brain shuts down our executive functioning and shifts into a more reactive and defensive mode. This “Low Road” state of mind has four distinct phases: Trigger, Transition, Immersion, and Recovery. Understanding these phases may help you realize what is happening in these situations and give you greater ability to react in a more measured way.

 

Socialite or Social Lite? – Part 1

Back to the ongoing series that I’m now calling “Is this normal?” which looks to define the normal set of ups and downs that couples face from the time they meet until they are elderly. Our next topic is one that often receives little attention, yet deserves deliberate consideration. I think this issue is best illustrated using a couple that I saw when I was still a student therapist. So over the next few weeks, enjoy reading a brief case study into John and Jane Doe.

 

When Bullies Attack

With the beginning of another school year parent’s and helping professionals face a myriad of challenges with school children. These issues run the gambit from helping a shy child learn to be more outgoing to helping a child who cuts themselves have a healthy alternative for managing their emotions. Yet none of these issues are as likely to elicit such strong emotions as the issue of bullying, both from the victim and the helper. Adults often have feelings of anger, hurt, helplessness and confusion while the victim can feel fear, shame, anger and guilt. It can be difficult, and for some even impossible, to cut through the intensity of those emotions in order to make wise decisions about how to help the child being bullied. Add to that the fact that there exists such a wide array of opinions of what to do to help children in this position (from ignoring the bully to punching his lights out) that often times as helpers we find ourselves paralyzed. And paralysis in this situation will likely result in the continued victimization of the child which is not okay. What then should we do?

 

To three or not to three – Part 3

In the previous post I began to explain why I believe that couples should wait twelve to eighteen months after their wedding to begin trying to get pregnant. And I ended by explaining that it was best to wait until the infatuation hormones and brain processes have worn off but there is a second piece that I didn’t get to. You see it seems that the infatuation high starts to come back when you have a child, not for one another mind you but for the baby. For a woman it generally comes back during pregnancy as she attaches to the life that is growing inside her. There are hormones that help this process but the fact that something is growing inside and that she is responsible for it usually effects a strong attachment (if not, don’t worry too much but you may want to discuss it with someone). For men

 

To three or not to three – Part 2

In part 1 of this series, I began to make the argument that one should be very deliberate about when they become a parent. However, that doesn’t answer the question as to how long after marriage a couple should wait to begin having children. When my clients ask me this question my rule of thumb is twelve to eighteen months. This response comes from a combination of experience and training. My wife and I had five years together before we had our first child. Now understand that this was not planned. We struggled to become pregnant and went through quite a bit of treatment before we were finally able to conceive. Still and yet, I could not imagine the stress that my wife and I face now as parents being intermingled with the stress of becoming acclimated to becoming a spouse. There’s the point that most don’t fully realize

 

To three or not to three – Part 1

So you’re home from the honeymoon. You decide to have family members over to show off the photos and to relive the incredible experience you’ve just gotten back from (or relive the horror story because you need to vent!) Everyone listens courteously and some more intently than others but for the most part it’s a nice gathering. Then someone asks the question, “So, when you going to have kids?” You and your spouse exchange awkward glances at one another.

 

Honeymoon – Holiday or Horror? – Part 5

We’ve looked at pros and cons of a modern honeymoon as well as common mistakes people make that can ruin their honeymoon experience, well I’ve got one last piece before I move on. Most couples who come to me in crisis tell me that they knew very early on that the marriage wasn’t going to work. Often times they are able to point to the honeymoon and pick out some key moment where they had the thought “Maybe I made a mistake.”